Creativity AWOL!

**This blog is kind of a stream of consciousness post, so please forgive any rambling or confusion. I’m struggling with creativity and trying to identify why.**

So… I’ve been racking my brain, trying to work out why I’ve lost the ability to channel my imagination and express myself creatively, for a while now. I’m trying to work out why it is that when I try to start anything new, I have a huge mental block that stops all my projects dead in their tracks.

The best way to describe it is that I’m the kind of person who can be very logical. I can put together the pieces of a fully functioning model, a puzzle, or a recipe to a quality standard. But if it has to look pretty or be uniquely decorated, I’m stumped! If I have to write a story from scratch, draw, come up with ideas on the spot, or create something artistic… My head is empty! There’s just nothing there! I can make the cake but I can’t make it as beautifully decorated & pretty as it is well put together. I’d like to make videos, but I can’t visually produce what I want because I’m not gifted artistically.

I find that I’m at my most productive when I should be doing other things, like doing college assignments or sleeping at night. I spent the Easter holiday learning to use Sony Vegas Pro, editing photos, creating yet another new blog… Lots of practical tasks where I can put things together like a puzzle.

Its a whole world of frustration to be an awesome production line robot, but to not be able to truly express yourself and make something your own. I’ve felt like that for so long I can’t remember the last time I felt like I had my own new and exciting ideas. I wonder if its age, medication, or loss of interest in my current life situation that is blocking out my imagination. I’m struggling with sleep because I’m trying to break out of autopilot mode. I want to create something new, express myself… But I am a robot. I follow instructions & they make a quality product, not necessarily a unique or beautiful product.

I guess that’s why I can be a good supermarket baker (with some products, I’m crap with coordinating & multitasking the bread plant! Blame Dyspraxia!) I’m good at producing quality products that look how they are supposed to, taste how they are supposed to. My brain just doesn’t allow me to deviate from the logical pattern. Logic rarely creates beauty or self expression. Lacking the ability to create freely is starting to eat away at me. *It’s just dawned on me that I have basically become Spock!*

Hopefully blogging will help, as it will force me to write more often, commentate on my experiences and situation, giving my perspective on life. Hopefully with time I will develop the ability to expand on that, & spend time with my brain in a positive happy way. When I was a teenager/in my early twenties, I always carried around a notebook, writing down ideas, planning & doodling. I’ve lost something since my youth, and by getting back into writing and blogging I hope to become inspired again.

Please forgive the rambling, I’m trying to express a mental block verbally, so that I can read it back and look for a solution. I’m weird! You’ll get used to me. *lol*

x Midnight Belle

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