Currently Listening To: Billie Eilish
Nations of the World – Animaniacs
No matter what I’ve tried, I have always been terrible at geography. Maybe if I fall asleep to this, I’ll finally learn and absorb something. ? Animaniacs: Entertaining and educating since 1993!
2019
2019
Happy New Year!!
Here’s to a fresh start! Wishing health, happiness and success to all. x
Memory Loss & the Absence of Feeling
Memory Loss & the Absence of Feeling
I’m Struggling:
- Mentally
- Physically
- I would say emotionally, but my (SNRI) antidepressants have killed my ability feel ANYTHING, stone dead! So that’s a thing! ? Bah! Who needs pesky feelings and emotions anyway!? ?
Memory
Short-term memory loss issues have been a problem and major concern for the last few months, being particularly stressful as far as completing my HISTORY degree!! Thus contributing to my decision to take a break from uni. Memory is kind of a big deal when you’re studying THE PAST, and taking exams! ?
But when you reach a point where you’re forgetting the names of friends you see on a daily basis and your thoughts mid-sentence, let alone why you walked into rooms or what you just read by the time you reach the end of the paragraph… Well, I don’t particularly want to go into how scared I was for a while there, but I think I have found the main culprit and the situation is definitely improving.
I was told that memory issues could simply be part of depression, but reducing my medication has proven the drastic memory loss to be a side effect of the drug, and that this medication is causing me more harm than good! I am in the process of very slowly quitting, as this particular medication is known for nasty withdrawal and brain f**kery, so it’s going to take time and further discussions with the doctor.
I’d like to point out that different drugs affect people in different ways. Just because I had a bad reaction, doesn’t mean it’s bad for everyone. I’m not going to name which one I’m on because I’ve heard that it is a helpful medication for many others and I don’t want to put anyone off. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t suit me.
Health (Or Lack Thereof)
I’ve been ill lately. Symptoms include: Exhaustion, shortness of breath, screwed up sleep, depression, high blood pressure, ringing in my ears, sore tongue, paler than normal, feeling like death, as well as the whole short-term memory f**k thing.
A blood test found I have a folate deficiency/anaemia (again!) On top of the vitamin D deficiency I’m already prescribed pills for. Woo! More pills! ? Energy and oxygenated red blood cells AWOL, please return to sender. I’m physically screwed without them! ?
I do try to eat a balanced diet vitamin-wise, but I am overweight and don’t exercise regularly. Guilty as charged! I’m trying to make improvements and healthier life choices, but I guess years of abuse makes it difficult for a body to work at optimum nutrient processing efficiency. I know I’ve got a lot of grovelling and making up to do before my body and I work well together as a team.
Depression and the Dangers of Being Numb
I didn’t realise at first, I thought I was just tired, bored or lacking motivation. My medication has left me so emotionally numb, that I have not been recognising negative thoughts and behaviours as harmful, because I have not been FEELING negative or painful emotions. Nothing emotionally telling me to stop or recognise a problem. It actually took a concerned loved one pointing out that I am a textbook case of major depression for me to realise.
Just because I don’t FEEL sad, doesn’t mean it is acceptable to ignore all the other red flags, deny I am in trouble or stop taking care of myself. I guess my medication is suppressing my emotions in an attempt to help, antidepressants are supposed to stop you FEELING depressed after all. It’s just that other types have never stopped me feeling ANYTHING AT ALL! Masking the warning signs will not prevent a bomb going off, you need some sign. Being incapable of functioning, yet not feeling miserable is confusing. Telling people I’m fine, telling myself I’m fine, but realising:
- I haven’t left the house in 3 weeks
- I’ve been living in pj’s
- My room is a mess
- I look and feel ill
- I’ve been avoiding social contact
- The shower has become a necessary punishment, rather than pleasant experience
- Getting sick and nutrient deprived through lack of “self care”
- I avoid the mirror
- I’ve become obsessed with the fact I’m the size of a hippo and the fear I’ll never be anything but a mess
- I duck, dodge and dive compliments and have been feeding my own self loathing
- Being overwhelmed by the sole desire to just sleep forever…
Well it seems rather odd not to have noticed a problem when you think about it! Some of the clues have been rather glaring when I talk to family. I believe the medication to have played a massive part in all my recent problems, and hope it is something that can be resolved soon. Human beings need feelings, emotions, reason, drive, and ambition to function! I need them to get me out of bed, otherwise what’s the point? It’s strange to realise that feeling numb to everything can actually be extremely harmful. That if I don’t feel, I don’t care! If I feel nothing, I have no driving force, no rhyme or reason. If I do nothing and let the depression swallow me, what does it matter? I don’t FEEL anything, so I DON’T CARE!!
I know I’ll be back and stronger than ever soon, I always come back fighting! But right now even leaving my bed is mentally and physically exhausting. It could be my health, brain or both. But I’m not currently able to just get up and moving, and I feel incredibly guilty and ashamed about it.
What Now?
- I need to work on my internal health and mind before I can get active.
- To concentrate on repairing the damage and moving forward.
- I need a daily routine.
- I want to get back into the habit of writing again if I’m going back to uni. Especially considering I have a sieve for a brain. Writing this has been cathartic.
- I will continue to read patronising “self care” fad books in the pursuit of a magical answer to all of life’s woes. You never know, it could happen. Plus I have a blog idea…
- Organise a plan of action.
- Focus on diet and exercise safely, without setting myself up to fail.
- Get in contact with the appropriate people to get a medication change and make sure I have a support system in place before I return to university.
- Try to see friends more.
Declutter & Minimalising: Paperwork
Declutter & Minimalising: Paperwork
It’s amazing the amount of paperwork I have gained over the years! Mostly through fear of hearing my dad yell: “Don’t shred that! You’ll need it one day! They make you prove everything!” Referring to his firm belief (conspiracy theory) that the government will hunt you down and expect ten years of bank statements should you put one foot out of line. I’ve reached a stage where my tiny shoe box size bedroom is buried under paperwork and unnecessary junk. The minimalist approach to the amount of things I own will provide me with more freedom.
Following the latest move I decided I’m tired of moving files, folders and bags of paperwork around, it’s time to minimise! Especially now that forest worth of paper includes college and uni work, printouts and readings that are no longer of any use to me, or can be digitised.
5 Black Rubbish Bags of Shredding So Far…
I was surprised by the wonders and horrors I found, once I started going through various bags, boxes and prying open my dented old pink filing cabinet! (Modern filing cabinets look strong, but don’t stand on them). *cough* Yes, I’m an idiot! *cough* I misjudged it’s durability when trying to reach something, and now the top sinks in the middle and the drawer doesn’t shut properly. Every time I forget and put my cup down, I have to chase it before it slides off the top. ?
My discoveries included:
- A time sheet for a temp job I didn’t have from 2003. It’s now 2018!
- A letter dating back to 1984, from Heinz baby food, apologising for the piece of serrated plastic my mum found in my mouth while eating their products. (I’m not getting rid of this!) I choose to believe this was indeed accidental as they claimed, but only 5 years later, the same company were involved in a baby food tampering scandal that involved sickos deliberately putting glass, razor blades and pins in jars of baby food! So I consider myself lucky it wasn’t worse! (Look up 1980’s, glass in baby food!) Luckily for me, my mum watched me like a hawk and has awesome reaction skills!
- I also found pretty much every payslip from monthly and fortnightly jobs since I was 18! I’m now 35!
- Bank and credit card statements for various different accounts since school. (But every time I think of going paperless, someone insists on seeing a statement or bill as proof of I.D.) Also, with the P.P.I. phone bombardment at the moment, it was useful to be able to check back ten years without paying someone else to.
- Stock take instructions for jobs I no longer have
- Work training manuals
- Birthday, Xmas cards and postcards.
- Basically… My entire documented life!
How to Decide What to Get Rid of:
I am a sentimental old soul, so parting with things is always difficult. Especially as I come from a family of hoarders. But sometimes you just need to be brutal, for your own good. The clutter in my house means there’s not enough room for me to live comfortably, so its time for change! Below is a list of how I decided what to keep and what to shred.
- Is it an important document? Put it safely in a folder or safe zone, far away from anything you are going to shred or dispose of.
- Do you have multiple copies?
- Can it be scanned and digitised?
- How old is it? Is it out of date or no longer relevant?
- Is it interesting? Something you want to hang on to for nostalgia or to pass on to someone else?
- Is it useful?
- Could it be useful to someone else? E.g. Old uni notes you can give away.
- Be sensible about what you throw away forever. If you need to type up or scan a copy on to the computer for peace of mind, do it! Better taking the time, than regret!
The Benefits of Clearing the Clutter
I’ve successfully cleared an entire drawer in my filing cabinet, some storage boxes and made more space in my room to unpack other belongings, which will either be more useful or also need sorting and whittling down to essentials.
Shredding can actually be quite liberating and very addictive, so be sure about what you are getting rid of forever, you can get carried away! I found it quite freeing to get rid of old paperwork from jobs, people and memories that negatively impacted me, caused me stress or had not been a positive influence on my life. I’ve been dragging around these bags and boxes of old memories, afraid to let them go “just in case”. “What if I need them one day?” This physical baggage has become mental baggage that needs to go! I need to relax and let go of anything that isn’t serving me positively.
Also, recycling is good for the environment! ??♻?
What’s Left?
I want to move forward to a happier, less stressful and easier life. As long as I keep important documents like I.D, any medical records, receipts for big purchases, warranties and P60’s etc. Anything sensible that may genuinely be required at a later date, I don’t need to hang on to old training manuals, or every memo and notice I ever wrote during my time as a supervisor. I even still had the contact details and account numbers for the food suppliers we used at my first cinema when I was a stock controller! That cinema was bought out twelve years ago and no longer exists! Why am I hanging on to things that serve me no purpose, bring me no joy, and are taking up room which is currently affecting my quality of life, as I am forever surrounded by bags of junk and memories of stress?
Decluttering and freeing up space, is freeing me mentally and physically. I feel better knowing I am letting go of objects from my past that don’t make me happy and feel like extra weight I’m carrying for no real reason (especially when moving house so often!) I need to learn to be less materialistic and attached to things. To live in the moment, taking photos, writing online and spending time with people I care about, instead of burying myself in things.
Jeffree Star Liquid Lipsticks
I have a confession, I have an addiction. Look at these beauties, my Jeffree Star Liquid Lipsticks collection. They are so beautiful!
As you can see I have: Human Nature, Gemini, Hunty, Daddy, Deceased, Family Jewels, Androgyny, No Tea No Shade & Delicious. I also have the Mini Velour Liquid Lipstick Nudes – Volume One.
As I live in the UK, all my Jeffree Star makeup comes from the lovely Beauty Bay!
Jeffree Star’s Official Website
Trip to London Zoo 2018
London Zoo 2018
Using a Canon 1300d DSLR camera, a Samsung S6 phone and a Sony ST200F camera. Some use of Instagram:
Photography & Fire Juggling Society Night! Fire Photography!
Fire Dancing Adventures with the Photography Society!
1 great night, the Photography Society decided to join forces with the Fire Juggling Society, to learn how to use long exposures. I have not yet mastered the high speed, split second capture needed for fire photography, but long exposures are fun. I’m learning to use a Canon 1300D DSLR.
Fire Photography:
A Beautiful Lie…
[Song begins at 1.22 if you are just here for the music]
Do you have a song you love that resonates with such significance it has the power to move you to tears? *Cough* No, me neither! ? Shut up! No, you’re crying! *sniffles* ???